It's Fall and I am in a place of transition.

I am changing with the seasons.
This past winter was a time for me to go inside and look at who I am and the influences in my life. A major change came in the passing of my Father. I spent a little time looking at my relationship with him and the lack of relationship before his passing.

You see I made a consious decision to not have my parents in my life because they, in my opinion, were angry, bitter and judgemental with everyone around them. I was brought up with many of the same morals that I am sure you were. Don't cheat, lie, steal, don't do drugs, don't drink to excess, treat other as you would want to be treated, help others, be respectful, etc. However I noticed as I became an adult, my parents started living their lives a little differently than they raised us. I knew when and why the changes began, but I still had a difficult time accepting them. I actually have had a harder time accepting that my parents did not follow the rules that they were so quick to enforce and that the very things we were punished for with what was called a firm hand, somehow didn't matter now that we were adults.

You see I had not been a very obedient child, one might even say I was challenging. I did almost all of those things that I previously mentioned and was usually punished for it. Soap in the mouth for lying, burned finger tips for stealing, a belt, paint stick, etc. for the many other offences, but what hurt the most was losing my Dads trust and respect for the offence of having sex too young and before marriage. The words he spoke to me when I was pregnant with my oldest son hurt more than any beating I ever received from him. "You are like a cat in heat.", those words etched into my brain. All I could think was that is how he saw me and what little value I held in his eyes. To be told in essence that you have little or no value greater than a stray animal is hurtful and degrading to any human being, even more so from a parent to a child.

I tried hard to get past that day and what he said, but as the years went by I realized that words said can't be unsaid. I don't know if my Father ever changed his opinion of me and honestly I wish I could say I didn't care but the truth is I did care. I cared right up until I heard that he was dying of stomach and prostate cancer and that he didn't have long. It was at that point I realized that my father did the best he could with the tools he had and I chose to forgive him for not knowing any better. I went to see him the day before he went into hospice and helped my sister and daughter care for him. I also sat with him in hospice and was there when he died. I wanted him to know that no matter what... He was loved and would be missed.

My Dad was a huge part of why I am who I am today. You see I do my very best each and every day to be the best version of me I can be. I have strong morals and I am a good friend, wife and mother. I continue to learn something everyday and work on healing the wounded child within me. Now, today, I can say I have forgiven him and that I am grateful for all that I learned because of who he was.

My Mother you ask? Well, that is still a work in progress.